i'd promise you anything for another shot at life. (thewayout) wrote in telegramupdates,
i'd promise you anything for another shot at life.

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The Untitled Celebrity AU:

Part Four:


“Holy SHIT,” Kit says, when they step out of the terminal and into the elements.

“It’s fucking cooooold!” Julie whines. “Most unnatural!” She scoots a little closer into the huddled pack of hobbits. They close her out. She smacks Elijah. “I love you too!”

Elijah sticks his tongue out, and pretends to have it freeze. Dominic pretends to warm it up, with his own, much to the delight of teenaged female bystanders. Billy pretends to act very offended. Julie proceeds to molest Billy in the most realistic way possible. Miranda pretends to be miffed, then pretends to make out with Liv. Orlando stares. Kit shakes her head, then tries to pull Julie and Billy apart, pretending to take Billy for herself. Andy pretends to be hurt and left out, and cuts loose a string of obscenities in the Gollum voice.

They head for the hotel, wreaking havoc on their way. Everyone will know that the Lord of the Rings cast was here. There. And everywhere.

“I’m tired,” Kit declares, tossing down her suitcase.

“I’m hungry,” says Liv, sitting down upon aforementioned suitcase.

“I’m cold,” Julie and Miranda chorus.

“You guys scare me,” Kit says.

“We aim to please—“ says Julie.

“—o mighty not-dating-Orlando-Bloom—“ says Miranda.

“—and fangirling my girlfriend—“ says Julie.

“—one,” they say in unison. The Hobbits applaud.

“Freaky Rohirrim women,” Dominic says in a stage whisper. Kit is suitably freaked out.

“Can we get food now?” Liv asks plaintively.

“Please?” Say Julie and Miranda.

Kit pretends to beat her head upon the wall.

Karl walks in. Julie squeals like a twelve-year-old Justin Timberlake fan, and sprints across the lobby with a display of more speed than Kit has ever seen her use. She jumps on him. It’s not even a kiss. Or a hug. It’s like, a glomp with a heavy side of… whatever it is that Dom has. Because Dom does the same thing. Except Dom does it to boys.

Kit’s brain explodes.

Except, not really.

“FOOD!” Liv bellows. The Hobbit boys immediately jump to attention. Viggo cackles in a most unseemly way as they scramble, and bustle, and Elijah throws Liv over his shoulder, makes it approximately three feet, loses his balance and falls down, Liv on top of him. Elijah swears violently (but that’s different from when?) and Liv is swept up by the Men (David, who is followed by Viggo, who is all but prancing and behaving in a most obnoxious kingly manner.) and carried away toward the restaurant, giggling.

The Hobbits glare, because there are, after all, no Hobbit women, and their only hope at having a woman has just been stolen. Orlando turns his nose up at them as he gathers Kit up in his arms and carries her away. Andy surreptitiously tries to trip him, but Kit waves her foot dangerously in the vicinity of Andy’s head. He backs away quickly. She giggles in an evil sort of way as Orlando carries her off to food.

The Hobbits glare as, after managing to disengage their lips, which seem to have been possessed by the World’s Strongest Magnets, Karl and Julie walk by, collect Miranda (who attaches to one of Karl’s arms while Julie is on the other), and head off for food.

“Where are the bloody Hobbit women?” Dominic asks.

“They’re off cavorting with the elves,” Billy says sadly.

The Hobbits pout, but they are, after all Hobbits, except maybe Andy, who is, in fact, a very emaciated little scary thing, possibly related to Dobby the House Elf, and are not about to pass up a meal. They line up and march into the restaurant, trying not to look very neglegcted.
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